To Be Remembered.

It's sad how often people occur to me. Oh, you might not get a phone call or an email or anything, but you're always there, swirling about in my mind...constantly.

And, I guess, my sadness grows because of how few times I believe that I am thought of, in wistful wondering or retrospect. Strange how seldom I occur to those I've meant "so much" to. So, I'm trying an experiment. For the next month, I will disappear. I will float seamlessly into the ether...

And see where that leads. See how many reach out to me. If you don't hear from me, it's because of this. But, within a month, I'm guessing that things will change. Maybe there is an exception made for dating, but I rather think not. I want to see what happens in a world without my very own George Bailey.

I loathe being at the disposal of everyone. Seems everyone needs something, and a lot of them need it from me. This isn't my ideal existence, and yet I feel as though it is often what I am called toward, depressing as it may be. I tire so much of needing to be in so many places at once, that there is precious little of me left when the day ends. I head to a routine, to a self-flagellation that I believe will someday pay off. And yet it never does, as the demands get bigger and bigger, while the reward disappears to nothingness.

I may not be owed anything, and I believe I'm not.

But I'd like to take a break, now. If it's ok with everyone, I'd like to heal for a long while, before more demands come.

Whoa.

I didn't know I had this outlet. I think only a very few people can see this, so it's relatively "safe". I'm certain I have a million things to say...about subjects varying from the polarity of woman I've known (some days saints, some days sinners...and with me unable to see more than the saintly...to horrific detriment)...to overtly sexual commentaries and actions from more than a few of my close female friends (who may or may not be mortified to learn that such suggestions get processed in my subconscious dream state...forcing me to awake with a very strange guilt that I shouldn't own)...to my broken heart that I am not the father of two young girls who desperately need someone to reassure them that they are worth every sacrifice, every amenity possible...

But today, I'm dipping a toe in the water and saying hello.

N.R.R.B.